Today was the last proper day of school. Normally we don't have school on Saturday, but tomorrow we'll come to school for 45 to get our mid-term report cards and have some Christmas tarts and glögi (that's a Scandinavian hot beverage we drink during the holiday season. It's traditionally made from red wine, but they also sell it without alcohol, which is the one we'll have at school obviously. It's got lots of spices such as cinnamon, almonds and raisins and it's really yummy!). This short day is kind of pointless, really, especially when we have to wake up early on a weekend...
I had a maths exam today, and it was REALLY hard! I did revise for it, but seriously, does anyone really know how to do algebra? I got stuck on the last and hardest question which, according to my friend, was the easiest. She said she'll laugh at me if she gets a better grade than me. This isn't really making me feel any better, because normally I get the highest grades from exams, and whenever I get a grade that's not the best, there'll be people in my class going "OOOOHHH!" and then they won't shut up about it.
But little do they know that I don't really care if I get a perfect grade or not. As long as I pass it I'm happy. It's like everyone sees me in a certain way, like my classmates see me as the quiet, nerdy wallflower who "always" gets perfect grades, and I've got to keep on playing that role. When I don't, I get weird looks from people, and it feels like I'm not accepted anymore. Even if I'm still being myself, just without the always-getting-perfect-grades part.
Or for example whenever I'm having a good time and not being as quiet as usual, I always notice people look at me like "Is she actually talking? She hasn't even got anything interesting to say." Maybe these looks are why I prefer not to participate in conversations, I just get so discouraged. I want to be able to be myself, you know, but I feel like I have act the way everyone expects me to act.
Or for example whenever I'm having a good time and not being as quiet as usual, I always notice people look at me like "Is she actually talking? She hasn't even got anything interesting to say." Maybe these looks are why I prefer not to participate in conversations, I just get so discouraged. I want to be able to be myself, you know, but I feel like I have act the way everyone expects me to act.
Which is another reason why I'm really looking forward to the Christmas holiday, when I can just stay at home with my family and be myself. And it might surprise my friends if they knew that I'm the most talkative person in my family! I used to be more talkative at school too, but it changed somewhere around 5th or 6th grade, when I was ignored and had people talk awful things about me behind my back for no apparent reason, just because the Mean Girl in class didn't like me and didn't allow anyone else to like me either. I'd spend the recesses alone, refusing to talk to anyone, and maybe that's why I don't talk to my classmates that much, because I feel like I can't trust them anyone.
But! I was going to write about how much I'm looking forward to the holiday! Christmas is when you're supposed to have a good time with people who are important to you, right? And enjoy all the lights and Christmas songs and foods and everything, which is why I love this time of the year so much. I really hope we'll get a white Christmas this year, but the weathermen have said that it's not very likely, which sure is disappointing.
Please, let me know in the comments what you think about Christmas! And I really wanna know if there's someone out there who actually reads this blog, so why not say hi or something? I'm starting to get a feeling that writing this blog is like trying to tell something to my group of friends, because no one ever listens to me. I hope that's not the case because sometimes I just want to be able to say things without being interrupted or ignored, and I feel like this blog is a place for me to do so!
xx,
Mary
But! I was going to write about how much I'm looking forward to the holiday! Christmas is when you're supposed to have a good time with people who are important to you, right? And enjoy all the lights and Christmas songs and foods and everything, which is why I love this time of the year so much. I really hope we'll get a white Christmas this year, but the weathermen have said that it's not very likely, which sure is disappointing.
Please, let me know in the comments what you think about Christmas! And I really wanna know if there's someone out there who actually reads this blog, so why not say hi or something? I'm starting to get a feeling that writing this blog is like trying to tell something to my group of friends, because no one ever listens to me. I hope that's not the case because sometimes I just want to be able to say things without being interrupted or ignored, and I feel like this blog is a place for me to do so!
xx,
Mary
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